leveland Browns Fan's Weekly Routine

A Cleveland Browns Fan’s Weekly Routine

By Staff Writer
In September 21, 2010
1787 Views

Sigh. Another week, another bout of mind-numbing depression. Another hangover from watching the cruelest joke God ever played on mankind: The Browns. And now I sit here asking the one question that every Browns fan asks an average of, oh, 12 times a season. “Why do I do this to myself?”

It defies science, really, that hundreds of thousands of us put ourselves through the same emotional train wreck every week. It goes, from what I can tell, something like this:

Monday Browns Fans

Monday: The second-worst day. Sundays are, not surprisingly, the worst. Monday you wake up tired after crying yourself to sleep. The day begins with denial (Was it all just a horrible, horrible, dream?) and generally culminates with demands for the resignation of at least one cornerback and usually the coach. Then you’re forced to watch two halfway decent teams play ACTUAL football Monday night. Which is just cruel, in my opinion.

Tuesday Browns Fans

Tuesday: You wake up tired after crying yourself to sleep. However, today you feel strong enough to read an article or two about the game and watch a few highlights. This is typically when the nausea sets in. That a-hole Bills fan from the law offices next door thinks that it’s safe to chat with you about Sunday’s game (“Aww I know how you feel, doll, I’m from Buffalo.”) in the elevator. He is very wrong. You spend the rest of the day prank calling his office and thank your lucky stars that you don’t have to watch football tonight.

Wednesday Browns Fans

Wednesday: You wake up tired after crying yourself to sleep. You put on a brave face, though, because today it’s time to start scouting this Sunday’s opponent. Hopefully they have a lot of injuries, because you KNOW the Browns will. In fact, you’re waiting for a report that in their first day back at practice, Phil Dawson’s leg flew off during a routine kick and Colt McCoy has Mad Cow Disease. Despite every shred of evidence to the contrary, you start getting your damn hopes up again.

Thursday Browns Fans

Thursday: You wake up refreshed. You also must have suffered a small stroke in the middle of the night, because you now wholly believe that there is NO way the Browns are losing this week. You even go so far as to make a bet with that a-hole Bills fan, whom you already owe $50 bucks worth of Blimpie sandwiches. You buy another favorite Browns t-shirt since your old one has been reduced to ashes in your friend’s portable grill. Bar patrons resurrect the cheers of “Here we go Brownies, here we go,” and you reply with “woof woof,” even though you know it’s only Thursday and you sound like an idiot.

Friday Browns Fans

Friday: You completely forgo work projects to study film from last season and coordinate the most elaborate tailgate yet. You spend hours posting predictions and threats on the opposing team’s blog in all capital letters. Although it is still two days away, you have serendipitously come up with the final score of the game, which you yell to anyone within earshot. You consider a Browns tattoo again.

Saturday Browns Fans

Saturday: You project all of your Browns-related hopes, dreams, fears and excitement onto the Ohio State Buckeyes. They lose. You quickly get over it because the Browns are going to destroy tomorrow and you didn’t even go to that college anyway.

Sunday Browns Fans

Sunday: You watch in horror as your favorite team on the planet plays exactly like they played the previous week. You get drunk. You cry yourself to sleep.

Now repeat.

Staff Writer

So who is this mysterious staff writer? Could be anyone really, as long as they meet our very strict criteria. 1) Worked with us in one capacity or another. 2) Have something pretty interesting to say. 3) Want to use our blog to say it. See? Told ya they were strict!